Wednesday…
My hand caresses it, feeling its roughness. No. It was not beautiful. No matter their reason, I doubt anyone bought it for its beauty. Like I, they would have bought it for its strength and efficiency. I stretch it out with my good hand and sigh with approval. It looked long enough, I thought as I eagerly twist my newly acquired rope into a noose. I feel a slight twitch of pain in
My conscience nags me as the thought of a broken promise suddenly fill my head. What can I truly say but admit to my failure? Yes, I have utterly failed to be sober. There was no need to sugarcoat what is my reality. There was no one but you to blame for your misplaced sense of trust. Yes, I blame you for actually believing I am willing to change. Or maybe I deserve an Oscar for acting the part of the perfect reformer. You did not care to look deeper and see my suffering.
Falling asleep on Sunday without my daily supplement had not been as hard as I had thought. I guess because I had taken enough painkillers to trick my system. I was not so lucky on Monday. I had a massive headache with the nerve wrecking wrist pain. My body rejected the painkillers. By Monday evening I was ready to commit homicide to get something, anything in my bloodstream. I carved the euphoria it brought yet I knew you would not let me get what I want. You were too saintly for that, so I shoved the homicidal thoughts out of my head as I cooked up another tactic. I had to play my cards right.
I played nice. I become agreeable. I forcefully ate everything you pushed at me. I stayed in bed. I was the model patient. I listen to you preach about the evils of my addiction and agreed to turn my life around. When Tuesday came, it did not take much to convince you that I had fully recovered. I told you I could manage on my own. I hid a smile as you agreed with me. I held myself back from dashing out after you in desperation. I let the minutes tickle past. I was out of the house an hour later.
I managed to find Skinny’s house without getting lost. I bet it was the desperation that made me remember the route since I never had a proper sense of direction. Hoping he was home, I gave the door a soft but firm knock.
“Who is it?” A male voice asked as the door slightly cracked open.
Jesus! Was my first thought when my eyes fell on the doorman’s face. God had not taken time on his looks. He was an eyesore. I wondered what he had done in his past life to deserve such a face. My eyes shifted to his body. Thank God! It seemed God had decided to make up for that by blessing him with a great body. I could tell his body was his proudest asset since he looked like he spent every free time in the gym. My eyes moved back to his face and saw he wore a menacing look that actually suited his face. He was so stereotypical for his role was my thought as I fought my bubbling laugh with a smile, “May I come in?”
“What you want?” He asked suspiciously. Mr. Ugly did not seem to be very trusting. Then again it paid to be cautious.
“The man in charge.” I said in a patronizing tone. He looked like he could be troublesome, typical for a man who thought he was more powerful than he actually was. Then again, I could not ask to see Skinny since I really did not know his name.
“Who is it?” I heard Skinny’s voice call from somewhere behind the door. I gave the door a shove. Caught unawares, the door slipped from Mr. Ugly’s grip and open wide.
“Hey, sugar!” Skinny gave me a once over before his lips lifted into a crooked grin, “Come on in”.
I sidestep Mr. Ugly and get into house ignored Mr. Ugly’s glare. He did not look happy that I had pushed the door from his grasp. It was embarrassing for any man. I wondered if he was the type to hold a grudge.
“Told you I would see you soon,” Skinny said over his shoulder as he led me through the small corridor and into his living room.
“I did not disagree. I am however sure you hoped to see me sooner than today.” I stop and look around the room. Alcohol and weed were spread all over the coffee table. Mr. Ugly was not the only guest in Skinny’s house. Seated on the sofa facing the television was another guest. There was not much of him to see since he wore his hat low and barely nodded at me when I got into the room. The guest seemed engrossed in the glass and blunt in his hand as he stared at the television. My eyes also turn to the television. It seems I had interrupted a video game.
“True.” Skinny flopped onto the sofa and patted a spot between him and the other guest in invitation. “You play?”
“Not much,” I answered and someone snorted. I turn to the sound and find Mr. Ugly making it to the other end of the sofa. He did hold a grudge. I met my newly acquired enemy’s gaze with a smile, “I bet I can beat you.”
“Bring it on, bitch,” Mr. Ugly said with much venom. I guessed he did not like being challenged by a woman. Mr. Ugly was a staunch sexist.
“Play nice,” Skinny said amid laughter. I did not think he really meant it. He looked to be the kind of man who enjoyed laughter at other’s expense.
I looked at Mr. Ugly, he seemed ready to explore. He definitely did not enjoy being the butt of a joke. I take the blunt Skinny hands me and inhale deeply. I close my eyes; I finally got something in my system after days of craving. Screw the game! “Not in the mood.”
Mr. Ugly hooted with glee at my surrender. Both Skinny and Silent dude seemed a little disappointed by my retreat. I ignored all that as I took another puff. The men resume their game as I tried to gain bliss. The weed passed from person to person, the alcohol drunk carelessly. For the first time in days, I felt alleviated, yet I wanted more. I incline my body closer to Skinny. My indirect way of telling him I could do more. His gaze takes in mine. I let him read my eyes to let him know what I meant.
Skinny pressed the pause button, stood up and stretched. He then took my hand and pulled me up. “Sorry guys but I got to attend to something.”
“With her?” Mr. Ugly said with contempt. “She is so bony.”
“Gee…” I said sarcastically. “I doubt Ugly is his type. Not like you got the right equipment anyway.” I said recklessly. The weed had definitely got to my head, but I would have probably said the same thing had I been sober. I hated it when people made rude remarks about my body. I had always leaned towards the scrawny side, and I would admit my addiction had not helped much with my size.
“He definitely does not have the right equipment.” I could sense some anger in Skinny’s voice. No man liked being questioned about a woman he picked to bed.
“Easy, Man. I meant to insult her and not you. This chic got sass.” Mr. Ugly tried to placate Skinny. He knew he had crossed the line.
I opened my mouth for a retort but Skinny grabbed me and dragged me to his bedroom. His mouth covered mine with a searing kiss once the door shut. I lost momentum for a second. Ok! I told myself as I regained my senses. The dude could kiss.
I frowned at the loss when he pulled away. His eyes scanned my body. “You are bony. I don’t mind that, I am more interested in what you got between your legs. Strip off.”
“Sorry?” I asked, not sure whether to take his remark about my body as an insult or not.
“I said strip. You know like take off your clothes. ” He patiently repeated.
“You first.” I challenged. I did not think I wanted him to look at me naked, especially since I knew he also thought of me as bony. I suddenly broke into a smile. It was not like Skinny had much weight to declare.
“You are sassy,” Skinny said with an amused laugh. “You do not remember much from the last time you were here. So, I know you did not come here for this,” He grabbed his crotch for emphasis.
“If you know all that, then why drag me into the room instead of giving me what I want?” His deduction impressed me. Skinny was not a fool. He noticed everything and took note. I had seen him eye my wrist earlier and I had respected him for not questioning me about it.
“Unlike you, I remember last time and what you are offering. Don’t worry sugar. I’ll make it memorable for you too, plus you will still get your bonus.” Skinny said and proceeded to do just that.
Wednesday morning found me at Skinny’s. I woke up to an empty room. Skinny was up before me, which meant I could not sneak out. I got into his bathroom and freshened up. I found Skinny in the Kitchen dealing with some customers with Mr. Ugly looking on. I tried retreating but Skinny caught my eye and motioned me to stay and wait. Once done with his customers, Skinny gave me a little stash telling me to come again in his usual smug way.
I stormed out of his house cussing him like the last time. Skinny was so sure of himself. I would prove him wrong, I thought. I hoped not to see him again since I wanted today to be my last. I was tired of this endless circle. The Euphoria was great but once gone, I was left with nothing but depression. I looked around me. I felt the sunshine on my cheeks. It looked like a perfect day to die. I ate a hearty meal from a restaurant, bought a rope and headed home where I proceeded to make a noose.
“Perfect,” I exclaim loudly once I finish making the noose. It had taken me awhile with various jolts of pain to finally finish it. I look towards the door wondering whether you would walk in. Have to say that it is a little surprising that you seemed to stay away today. I am relieved that you wouldn’t be here this time to witness my hanging. I head to my kitchen door frame. There is an opening at the top which I think will be perfect to hang the rope. I take a kitchen stool and place it directly under the door as I fix the rope.
Satisfied with what I see, I make the necessary adjustment then place my neck in the noose. I take a shaky breath. Shit! I am a little scared. Hanging had not been my number one choice, but it seemed to be the easiest. I gather courage as I blindly feel the stool edge. I take a deep breath and kicked the stool below me. The noose tightens. My eyes bulge out of my head as I start gasping for breath. I mentally yell profanities as instinct takes over as my legs kick out trying to in vein reach for the stool and regain balance. I soon see nothing but shades of light in the engulfing darkness. This is it, I think. Suddenly, I hear a slight creak. Then another creak before my body falls towards the floor.
Thursday…
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