RECKLESS PT1

Friday…

Happiness. Bliss. Ecstasy. What else can one ask for? I am content with life at this very moment.  No one can beat the huge smile plastered on my face, not even you. Yes, I know you are there. I can’t miss you. You are standing right next to me wearing an amused look. Hold on… No, you don’t look amused. I squint and try to look at you through the haze.  A smile touches my lips. You seem unsteady.  I can’t seem to focus on you. Would you stop moving? Good. I can now see your face. I was wrong. Actually, I was right the second time. You are not amused. You are fuming.

God..! You are such a prude. Look at the frown you are wearing. What? No words today? Never mind. I don’t need to hear the words since I know what you want to say. I have heard it all before. You do nothing but judge. When have you ever said a word of encouragement? It’s always the same words, “stupid, moron, loser, failure, drunkard, crack head”. The list is endless. A fit of giggles attacks me as I revisit the names that you have ever called me. None of them are ever pretty.

My giggles come to a stop once I realize you are no longer there. I look around in panic. Shit! Where was I? Nothing looks familiar. Not even the man lying next to me. He takes a drag from the newly lit blunt blowing smoke in my direction before passing it to me. I take my turn. Inhaling it deeply, my lungs expand. I close my eyes to the sensation. I voice my thoughts. “Where the hell am I?”

“My place” The man next to me answers as if I am expected to know where on the map his place is.

“How did I get here?” I give him a proper look. He is a little attractive if you are into the skinny-dorky kind of guy. I wasn’t. Well, I think I am. I screw up my face. I cannot seem to remember what my type of man is. My eyes, duck back to him.  I take in his clothing. They were in disarray. I look at mine. Shit! It looks like the joint was not the only thing I had shared with Skinny dude.

“You must be high, girl.” He gives a crackly-raspy laugh.

I did not dispute him. I feel loaded. A smile touches my lips.  A vague memory of him and I shooting up through our veins came to mind.

“You come looking for a gun, remember.” He goes on.

Gun... It comes back to me. I needed a gun badly. My search for a gun brought me to skinny dude. Skinny dude didn’t do guns, but he had something else I needed. It explained a lot. I stand up grabbing the arm-rest for support as I stumbled.

“Where you going?” He asks seeing me trying to gather my things.

“Home.” I pull on my pants, zip it. Grab the handbag and slug it across my shoulder. I didn’t have to look for my t-shirt or jumper since I was still wearing them. I had managed to keep some of my clothes on while we screwed.

“Sure you will get there okay?” Not that he cares. I can tell from the tone of his voice.

I don’t bother to answer as I head to what I hope is the door that leads out. I am getting sober a state I did not like.

“Hey. Sugar” Skinny dude calls as I reach for the handle. “Catch. You earned it.” He tosses something towards me.

My hand quickly reaches out and I catch it. It’s a small wrapping. I do not have to look for I know it was. Coke. It was not much but it could keep me through the night. I would need more soon. I murmur my thanks.

“See you soon” Skinny gives me crooked smile.

“Asshole!” I think as I walk out of his house. He knew I would be back for more and was banking on that fact. I should have told him to go screw a pig but I didn’t want to burn this bridge. Well, not until I had sorted everything out.

I get lost three times before I finally get the right road home. It’s late when I get there. I don’t know the time since I don’t own anything that tells time. I got rid of all of them. The only reason I know today’s date is because I passed some newspaper vendors before I met Skinny.

My stomach grumbles. I need to eat. I walk to the fridge and open it. The light stares back at me. The fridge was empty. It should not be surprising since I don’t remember the last time I stocked up the fridge. I shut the fridge. I toy with the idea of buying take out. I mentally calculate the amount of money I have on me. I could afford a packet of fries yet I did not have the energy to walk to a fries joint.

“Screw it.” I think as my eyes fall on a bottle of vodka I had bought the night before. Who needed food when I have coke and vodka? I gather everything and head to my bed. I get high in less than an hour.

The peaceful feeling is back. I smile then laugh with joy. I spring off the bed. I want to celebrate. I want music. I turn to where my radio is and frown in disappointment. I no longer have the radio. I sold it. That is where I got the money to buy the vodka. You are right. I am such a moron. I should not have sold the radio. I loved the radio. It kept me sane. I should have sold the microwave or fridge first. I did not seem to need them much.

I slouch back on the bed. All was not lost. I still have my vodka. I take swig spilling some of it on the bed. I look up to see you standing over me. You are back. Christ! You can never let me be. You are always there. Breathing down my neck “What do you want?”

I repeat the question when you do not answer. I turn my neck your way when you still don’t answer. I seem to be all alone.  There is no one else in the room. I frown. Was I imagining you? I shake my head to clear it. I give the room another quick look and turn up with nothing. This was happening more and more of late. I kept seeing people only for them to disappear in the next moment. 

I am going insane. I press my head into the pillow and let out a heartbreaking sob. I hate this. Everything was falling apart. Nothing made sense anymore. I am so tired. I am exhausted with everything. I failed in everything I tried to do. I need to do something. I finally got the answer. That is why I went to look for a gun. See. I am not entirely useless. I can make decisions. True, I failed to get the gun today but it is not the end of the world. I will try tomorrow. If I failed once again, I will move down to plan B. All was not lost. Tomorrow might be brighter. I take a deep breath as I feel a spark of hope rising from my breast. I wipe my tears as my sobs subside. I close my eyes. I fall into a stupor.

Saturday…